Existential or confused

I think I want to nurture newness. Sounds good right? Whats it going to take to eradicate bland normal living without being an extremest?  We exist for more than existing. We are to be the salt of the earth… whats that look like? It’s believed there are more than 14,000 uses for salt besides food purposes.  Could I jump to the conclusion that it could be a nice analogy of our varying abilities to be used or make change? Maybe. Change is inevitable, its coming no matter who you are and what your desire it. Change is like time it keeps moving.  The problem is, most of us run for the hills when we see change a comin’. Despite the fact that theres no point in running, you can’t hide… Where ever you go there you are. So to ocd-definition-590x442continue with the theme of existence here I will bring myself to explore some slight transparency. Lets see how this goes.
Change can be painful, challenging, exhilarating, stretching, thrilling, frustrating, embarrassing, and probably a few more descriptive words that are not coming to my mind at the moment. I was recently challenged by a precious friend to grow myself by challenging some of my comforting “habits” of obsessions and changing some of my compulsive behaviors… or attempt until I succeed. Not to say Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy is not the treatment of choice that was highly effective but sometimes we have those little comforting pets that are not necessarily hurting anyone or harmful to self but can be inhibiting in small ways and can even begin at some point to draw those boundary lines in closer and closer. “WE” don’t want that so CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Relentless, and insidious agents of the enemy. I can give my reasons for my choice behaviors and pose a fantastic argument of why the behavior is not only good for me but helpful and preventative of this or that. Never-the-less that is part of the wasted time focusing on prohibitive behaviors.  I can say I was not born with courage but I was sure born with potential. My life hasn’t been easy and some may disagree but no one knows a person wholly only the person and God can make that claim.  I am grateful for my life, for what it has become, for challenges, victories, and the people that have helped in some way to mold the person I am today. There have been tragedies, sadness, sorrow, and tears but all the same have I seen laughter, joy, miracles and construction. The construction is never-ending but thats a good thing.  I have never blamed God in the sad times, but I have asked Him where He is in the midst… what part was Him, what part consequence, and what part human free will… For the majority of my life, I always tried to get the upper hand on any pain that I thought might be headed my way. I can say there are times I can or could but mostly it has not been possible. All the preparation int he world cannot truly prepare you for pain, its a sucker punch.
Instead of looking at caged-bird-singingcertain “things” in daily life  (those who know me well know what these things are…hey I said slight transparency so give me a break here…) in fear and responding by avoidance or with some bizarre socially unacceptable compulsion (if anyone notices), I am starting to look at them as opportunities for freedom. Opportunities to be brave and grow. Who doesn’t want to be more courageous. I know you guys have aways thought of me as so perfect and put together… well surprise!!! Im not. Hold on to you knickers I know this is shocking!
There will be more to come of this challenge and how I am progressing to success so no worries that I will leave you hanging! This is all compounding of course. The frustration of being a spoonie on top of lives everyday challenges topped with my idiosyncrasies and big dreams of changing the world. Let me say I determined as a child I would not be suppressed, held down or forced to give up by any outside force. On the other hand I have been successful at times of tripping myself up real well, probably better than any outside force ever could.
I am grateful for his challenge… my friend will never understand what her words meant to me. She was right, I strive for success and even help others while all the while thinking me coming as far as I have is more than I could ask for… It’s not so lets get uncomfortable because I am up for the challenge. Journey on!!!

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